She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
