I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
