mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize