John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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