I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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