I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
