hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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