i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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