He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
