Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
