He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you never un-have a 4some
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
