So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
