Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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