We need to rekindle our bromance
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
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