I want to make a zoo with you.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
