i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
