Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No I am not eating basil off your cock
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
