homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
