i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
