Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
