Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
