I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
