The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
