K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
