the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
