Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
