I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
