there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize