be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
