You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
