ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
