I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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