he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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