She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
