Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
