Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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