every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
