ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
