paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
