Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
