Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
