Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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