do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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