i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
