If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
