My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
