Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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