just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
