i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
