is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize