I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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