I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
