two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
BRING THE BAGELS
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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