I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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