i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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