the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
