All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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