He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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